4 Wild Alternatives To Rikishi Running Over Steve Austin At WWE Survivor Series 1999

Recently, Jacob Fatu was mowed down in a manner most vehicular on WWE Monday Night Raw. It took just a few seconds for the driver to reveal themselves as NXT call-up Jaida Parker, doing the bidding of her new best friend Royce Keys. Silly Ms Parker; she should have waited 10 months to reveal her identity and motive like Jacob Fatu’s uncle Rikishi did!

Back in 1999, the then-World Wrestling Federation snatched the fan’s pay-per-view dollars and hit them with a complete bait-and-switch by having “Stone Cold” Steve Austin get totalled in the Joe Louis Arena parking lot by a Lincoln Town Car, thus writing him out of the much-lauded Triple Threat main event for the WWF Championship featuring Triple H and The Rock. By the following October, the identity of the driver would be sensationally - and confusingly - revealed to be RIKISHI! Yes, the happy mid-card dancing lad whose finisher was sticking his large arse in his opponent’s face was the man who ran down “Stone Cold” Steve Austin. 

“I did it for The Rock,” Rikishi would monotonally declare on the October 8, 2000, episode of Monday Night Raw, with the former Too Cool member eventually receiving a beating from a Steve Austin who had recovered from neck surgery. 

Rikishi would then be the victim of two devastating falls - the first being off the Hell In A Cell into a hay truck in the main event of Armageddon 2000, and the second being a metaphorical tumble from the main event scene he’d been sellotaped to and back down to the middle of the card.  Triple H declared that HE masterminded the Michigan mashing of the Rattlesnake, so any heat that Rikishi had garnered could safely be passed to The Game and Rikishi could go back to using his big bottom to beat the baddies.

Surely there was a better way to pay off the whole thing, though? Cutting out the big-bottomed middleman and having Triple H be the man responsible would have made much more sense… but I don’t want to talk about that!

So, I’ve gone deep into my mind palace and, amongst my perfect recall of the Duck Tales theme and my Officer Dibble knowledge, I’ve plucked four absolute wild cards that the WWF could have potentially picked out as perpetrators in "Stone Cold" Steve Austin’s convoluted car collision caper!  

Are they better? Are they worse? What I can honestly say is that they are definitely… names I have written down in this article. Start your engines!

4. Test

Then the apple of Stephanie McMahon’s eye, Andrew “Test” Martin had valiantly fought the Best in the World Shane McMahon at SummerSlam for the right to date - and ultimately marry - sweet, innocent Stephanie. By this point, Test had been accepted as a future son-in-law and was even with the McMahons' side after the shocking scenes in the Joe Louis car park unfolded.

I remember watching Survivor Series 1999 live (and if you did too, how’s your back today?) I honestly thought Test would get the Austin-shaped open slot in the WWF Title Triple Threat main event as a pseudo-wedding gift. Alas, that spot - and the WWF Championship victory - went to The Big Show instead, who was knee-deep in storyline rubbish feuding with The Big Boss Man, which Show would drag the beautiful Big Eagle belt into!

I propose another timeline… where Vince and Shane decide against getting Test cufflinks and a HMV voucher as a gift for the groom and do indeed place him in the championship main event AND help him wrest the title away from Triple H. Screw the cummerbund – Test was going to wear the WWF Championship down the aisle on his wedding day! It would come to pass that the only reason the McMahon men welcomed Andrew Martin into the family is because, behind the back of his beloved, they concocted this plan to finally do away with McMahon’s biggest rival. 

From Austin’s departure, you put a young star in a main event position, front and centre of a key storyline and - providing they swim rather than sink - you have got yourself another face to put on the novelty 7-Eleven Cups!

3. Shawn Michaels

Shawn Michaels appeared on an episode of Raw during Commissioner Mick Foley’s investigation into the identity of Austin’s assailant, whereby he gave a seemingly watertight alibi before pointing his finger at The Rock. What if Michaels was, and hear me out, just lying out of his bottom?! 

Shawn throws the interrogation spotlight over to The Rock and conceals what really happened that night in the Joe Louis Arena. That night, Shawn Michaels killed two birds with one Lincoln Town Car; he wiped out the man who he still feels took the wrestling world from him at WrestleMania XIV, and he cleared one of the biggest obstacles from the path of his best friend, the WWF Champion Triple H.  

Rikishi declaring he “did it for The Rock” meant so little… but Shawn Michaels declaring “I did it for Triple H” would have carried infinitely more emotional weight to it. It’s Shawn making good for the years he’s been away, and something that Triple H is blissfully unaware of until the big reveal on Raw. How will Triple H respond knowing that Shawn has appeared out of nowhere claiming to be “helping out his best bud” in his time of need? Will he take it as the very aggressive compliment its meant to be? Nah, he’ll boot him in the gut, drop him with a Pedigree and declare that he doesn’t need a “washed-up, broken-down has-been” looking out for him. “I am The Game-ahhh!” etc etc.

There were reports that a showdown between Shawn Michaels and Triple H was being considered for WrestleMania X-Seven, but Shawn was still paying host to “demons” and it would need a little more time to find God before finding his working boots, which he’d have by SummerSlam 2002, leading to one of the greatest Indian summer runs in wrestling history. Regardless, placing Shawn in the driving seat would, under ideal circumstances, have tied the metaphorical room together so much better than Rikishi did!

2. The British Bulldog

Our Davey made his WWF return in the autumn (or “fall” if you’re the sort of person that gets football wrong) and made his intentions very clear from the beginning - he was back to win the WWF Championship!

One fateful night on home turf at the UK-exclusive pay-per-view WWF Rebellion, British Bulldog threw a bin across a room, colliding with the face of Stephanie McMahon. This set off a chain reaction that changed the industry forever. As for Davey, the lynchpin to wrestling’s turn-of-the-century storyline, he was pushed down the card to hang out with Shane McMahon’s sweater-vested moron mates, The Mean Street Posse.

What if, on this night, British Bulldog found a way to stop the rot? Instead of accepting his fate, Dave used those same hands to drive a Lincoln into "Stone Cold" Steve Austin.

From there, he – you're not buying this, are you? Fine, we’ll move on.

1. Steven Richards

It has been documented by Bruce Prichard on Something To Wrestle that Steve Austin’s vehicular predicament was a classic case of Vince McMahon beginning an angle and not worrying about the payoff. Rikishi, who was the man behind the wheel, for better or worse, had picked up wins on syndicated show WWF Jakked, but he wasn’t properly introduced to the main roster programming until after Survivor Series. I say this now, as I’m about to smother storyline spackling over cracks in the walls of continuity for my next wild pick.

Stevie Richards had floundered in the WWF when he joined in 1999 - unable to truly escape from lower-card purgatory. It would be the summer of the following year when a character that lampooned Vince McMahon’s dealings with the Parents Television and Media Council would change Stevie to Steven and cement his company legacy as the leader of Right To Censor, moral crusaders with immoral methods! He would recruit several of the WWF’s saucier superstars and turn them into white-shirted Mary Whitehouses where they'd spend their days covering up nudity and disavowing hardcore wrestling.

When you think of a WWF star who gave the censors a run for their money during his run at the top, you have to think of the blue-collar, potty-mouthed, beer-swilling “Stone Cold” Steve Austin! Between middle fingers and forked tongue-lashings, Austin’s shenanigans would spearhead an entire “Attitude Adjustment” for the WWF- sending revenue through the roof and MORALS THROUGH THE FLOOR!  

Imagine watching Steven Richards’ army of wokeness turning the WWF upside down in the months that followed Austin’s attack, the Rattlesnake nowhere to be found to land profanity-laced promos, followed by a plethora of crisp Stone Cold Stunners on the lot of them!  Imagine it coming to light that the reason he’s not there is because of this very group, as Steven Richards is discovered to be the man behind the wheel.

One heinous act of vehicular assault planned out and executed not for championship glory, but for the greater good (“the greater good!”) of the World Wrestling Federation. In order to morally cleanse the WWF, Steven Richards had to cut the head off the snake. Or, in this case, drive a Lincoln Town Car into the head of the snake!